Esoteric (adj): understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; secret; confidential; private
When I looked into her eyes, deep, past the tear hanging from each, I felt the anger ebb slowly away, sinking, sinking, an anchor latched to its ankle, pulling it back down to dormancy. That’s when I knew she was something more than just another beautiful face. She mattered.
So esoteric was the rage I felt that the world in itself could have easily been swallowed whole by an impermeable wall of darkness that even a black hole couldn’t manage. Breath, heart, lungs, stomach, genitalia. All responding, all trusting. And those eyes, somewhere lost in a color between green and blue, and her hair black as a blank television screen, falling down, down past her shoulders. Even past the middle of her back.
No one had been able to conquer my rage…until now. That was her purpose. And as selfish as this sounds, another part of me, the one who had toiled for years and years to obtain the success I so richly deserve, had wanted to hold on to that anger for as long as I could. But now I know, that kind of passion was just slowly killing me. Holding me in place for years and years, not knowing the damage it was doing, not knowing the irony that came with its protection. I wasn’t safe holding onto such rage, even though it is what gave me so much power. What I needed now was control over that power. So I decided to make a new decision.
“I’m here.” Such a soft voice. Amazing what two words could do to all of the pain, all of the agony, all of the heartache I’ve endured. Two words.
And to think my little bitch of a sister is the reason for so much of my heartache, prodding into my affairs without the right to even do so. Fighting for my love when she knows me and her will never be a match. The dumb bitch. But at least I can feel my chest again without it hurting so much.
The woman standing before my very eyes has brought something into my life I couldn’t see before.
Reason to not want to destroy any and everything in my path. Reason to give this world another chance, even though it has had nothing but cruel intentions against me. Reason to love myself truly, not by giving myself all of my attention, but by loving another.
The two things in my life now that make the world go round.
“I’m sorry for what I put you through,” I say, chest heaving, wanting to push against hers while unsure as to whether I deserved the right to do so. She places a hand over my heart and feel the thing beating away passionately. Furiously.
“There is no need baby. I have you.”
And that’s when life changed.